Carried Away  

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

So did you ever get the urge to go down to the hardware & party supply store and pick up a tank of helium and some balloons, set up your lawn chair tie the inflated balloons to the chair (taking all 7 Harry Potter books with you of course) and sail away on a light off shore breeze let's say oh... about 30 miles out to sea?

Well that's exactly what the Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli ( a Roman Catholic Priest) decided to do to raise money . "The priest was trying to break a 19-hour record for the most hours flying with balloons to fund a spiritual rest stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil's largest grain port. Brazilian truckers often spend days waiting to unload in the port, especially during the busy soy export season now under way."(thanks msnbc)

Apparently the truckers have to spend several days in Paranagua during the harvest season. At the time of this blog we were unable to determine what exactly would be in the rest stop a Wendy's, a Burger King or a Blimpe. Personally I'm not a fan of Wendy's burgers so I'm all for the Blimpie.

The Reverend was planning on floating to a neighboring city of Dourdos 465 miles away however the wind blew him 30 miles out to sea in the opposite direction. The Revered was wearing protective gear and a parachute. He is a reported to be an experienced sky diver, however the balloons were all that was found when rescuers arrived. It is believed he is alive though and several candle light vigil's have taken place. The truckers in the mean time are hoping for a Burger King.

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Mr.Clean Machine  

Thursday, April 17, 2008

So yesterday I was domestic. I cleaned, I washed ,I dusted and Mrs Smeag said I sounded like a Mom when I got on Smeag Jr. about leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Honestly what woman hasn't gotten on the kids after cleaning up after them all day and the they come home and don't even have the courtesy to rise out the most delicious salsa that I slaved away at for at least 15mins of food chopping adventure. So Ladies here's my famous Salsa Recipe. Fix it for you man and they will start doing dishes and washing clothes. (not guaranteed in Alabama,Texas, or Detroit. Offer good while supply's last)

2 cans of hunts diced tomatoes (used the onion and green pepper seasoned ones)
1/4 cup to 1/2 cup of chopped cilantro ( use as much as you think you need)
1/2 a white onion
2 shallots
2-3 green onions sliced
1-2 jalepenos (to make it mild slice out the white veins this is where the spicy capsaicin is, this will also remove the seeds. )

I like to use a really sharp knife and cut it all up fine myself (but I'm old school at times). A good food chopper or blender works just as well. Although Cilantro is actually better if you use a pair of sharp scissors and cut it like making confetti. Try to make it the night before and or chill it for 3-4 hours.

For and extra treat get a package of white corn tortillas and cut them in to small triangles and fry them up in some Crisco Vegetable oil ( It won't harden you arteries, it's not lard) and you have home made chips and salsa. Make sure the oil is as hot as you can get it or the chips will be soggy.

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Seven Things To Do With Your Tax Return  

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I read a great article today from Forbes Magazine,by Scott Reeves on 7 things to do with your tax return. Although they don't actually give you 7 different things to do with your tax return I thought it might be fun to take it to the extreme. The average tax return this year is $2,371 So here's my list of 7 things to do with your tax return:

1. Buy 600 Happy Meals and give the toys to needy kids.

2. Play 4742 games of PAC MAN.

3. Bail out a random criminal.

4. Buy 1185 bags of Micro Popcorn and fill up a friends car.

5. If you were to weigh 150 lbs you could ship your self to Moscow,Russia only paying $300 more than your return.

6. Buy 2 sets of TaylorMade 2008 r7 CGB Max 3-PW Iron Set with Steel Shaft (one for the wife)

7. Book a 1 room Artisan Suite In Disney's Grand California Hotel & Spa with for 3 days of Disney fun and fantasy.

All this could be yours if you were to give the United States Government a 1 year interest free loan of $2,371. Just remember that Uncle Sam does have a convenient payment plan at your local employer for all your wasted tax dollars.

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The Big Unit Is Back!  

Monday, April 14, 2008

Tonight Randy Johnson will be pitching against the San Francisco Giants. I can't wait! I am not a big sports fan but I have come to love baseball. It's like politics slow and never ending at times and then picks up speed like a E ride at Disneyland. Going to games is even more fun, especially in the BOB (now Chase field). Indoors in a air conditioned wonder, with pool. I've sat in just about every place there is to sit there from cheap sits to the outfield to the box seats. I haven't sat behind home plate yet so if any one is going and wants to take me along feel free to let me know, I do need at least 3 hrs notice though. Hey time to fire up the grill for some hot dogs and burgers this is going to be a great year!

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Help! I've Fallen Into A Volcano And I Can't Get Up!  

Sunday, April 13, 2008


(thanks to Northwest News Channel 8)

I found this Article on The Drudge Report this morning since the whole sleeping in idea was vetoed by my sinuses this morning (see Dust Is My Nemesis! ). I would have laughed out loud and rolled on the floor in glee when reading this story in any normal situation but it is Sunday I am feeling charitable. How sad that this guy fell into Mt Saint Helen and had to be rescued I mean that's almost as bad as falling down in the the shower and not being able to get dressed before the Fire Department gets there to scoop you up off the floor. What's this guy going to tell his wife "Hey sweety, love of my life, my sweet apple blossom, I know I told you I would only be a couple hours while me and the guys drove around the volcano,but something funny happened..." and so on. From now on he will always be know as "that guy who fell into the volcano". I do really feel bad for the guy I looked at the web site for the Mt Saint Helens gift shop and I could not find a T-shirt that said " I feel into Mt.Saint Helens and all I got was this lousy T-shirt". They don't even make them, let alone in my size (but let's not go down that road) becasue I would buy one in a heart beat. In short I just want you my friends and fellow Americans to realize that Friends Don't Let Friends Fall Into Volcano's.


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Dust Is My Nemesis!  

Saturday, April 12, 2008

OK you may think a small thing like dust is not such a big thing, and you would be right it is a horrible micro particle able to crawl into every crevice of my sinus and wreck more havoc than a two year old with a PB&J on a white carpet. I won't go int o all the gross nasal details but suffice it to say my sinus are locked up tighter than Fort Knox. Your new best friend is a box of tissues because with all this stuffed upedness comes sudden unexpected floods of well... you know I said i would not go into detail and her I am. So to change this into politics (nice segway huh?)the EPA for years has blamed car emissions here in the Valley of the Sun for air born particulates that cause ground level ozone. Pause for scary Scooby Doo music. However any Idiot (I mean EPA Government Bureaucrat) only has to look out the window and see that we live in a DESERT and there is allot,sand,dust everywhere. I just cleaned out my Mother In Laws garage for to sell off all her worldly goods (much needed) and discovered piles of dust in the corners of her enclosed garage. This has been a two week project culminating in much groaning from assorted aches,pains and nasal congestion(here I go again) by myself, the Lovely and talented Mrs. Smeag for all our hard charitable work. I digress,Dust is every where and with the Valley being the retirement capital of the Southwest there are hundreds of thousands of Old men with brooms every where stirring up the DUST (Enter the Old Man from the Light House). The EPA need not look any farther than retirement communities,mobile home parks and assorted "second"homes across Arizona to find the cause of low level ozone. OLD MEN that's right old guys always have broom to chase away kids on skateboard, bike, roller blades, scooter and an occasional pair of cats that have found "True Love". Blame the Old Guys I say for now and then when I'm an old guy with a broom I say blame the nuclear jet powered hover bikes that (AHHHHCHOOO) stir up dust from the side of the road. Now I know how Superman feels.

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I couldn't think of anything to blog about do I decide to brainwash you all and make you like one of my favorite movies I do not own and would make a wonderful fathers day , birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah ,Kwanzaa or just a surprise gift. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" If you have ever read the books you will find you self utter baffled at Douglas Adam's British wit and comic penmanship. Really what could be more funny than a robot that was programed with manic depressed order and a fleet of Volgons construction ships ready to blow up the earth to make way for a Intergalactic super highway. Which the plans have been on display for the last hundred years in the planning and zoning department. Enjoy some clips and wonder at that which we call British humor explaining the meaning of life 42.

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Sheena the Warrior Hair Stylist  

Monday, April 7, 2008

I got my hair cut today. I know what you are going to say and that's "Hey what the big deal?". Well I guess when you only get a hair cut once a month it is a big deal. It's even a bigger deal when it's Sheena the Warrior Stylist cutting your hair. Did she look like the warrior princess? No, she didn't but her name was Sheena and she did give me a good hair cut. Which as some of you know isn't to hard to do. I go to the local Beauty School for my hair cuts. Why? Because it's cheap $6.00 for a buzz cut when any other stylist always charges me full price. Seriously how can you charge a guy with only half a head of hair (IF THAT!) a full price hair cut and still expect a tip. Well the beauty school girls do a great job and I get a new one every time I go. I don't know if they drop out or if they graduate but it's like the wheel of haristylist and today I got Sheena. This is not to make fun of her but she did a great job and got all the hairs off my head before my next appointment.

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Rock Hard Poop  

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Human fossilized feces has been discovered in a cave in Oregon recently that dates back to 14,000 years ago. Human DNA was extracted from the petrified poop which finally proves humans lived in Oregon earlier than has been recorded before. I want to state for the record it was NOT ME. I know that given my history that I may be the first accused of "dropping the kids off at the pool" and not picking them up but I promise it was in no way me that left DNA in that cave. Well not that cave, but that's because I have never lived in Oregon for more that a week. I admit that I was there for a week in 1990 but it was on Great Grandmother Smeag's couch. Which by the way smelled of ....well "old people" .

I don't all together know if the claims are true anyway. I mean how do we not know some pot head, tree hugging Birkenstock wearing Hippie probably wound up smoking some "natural herbage" and fell face down in the poo drooling excessively. DNA can end up in the weirdest places.

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Not An April Fool's Joke  

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Police in Waycross,GA questioned a class of 3rd graders about a plot to kill there Teacher. The Students were "rounded" up ( like they have fast get away cars) on Friday morning after a tip that the young female suspected mastermind behind the plot was suspected of having a weapon at school. Police found a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paper weight. Supposedly the students were going to use these items against their teacher. It's also rumoured they had a jar of A-1 steak sauce, and a Sponge Bob Square Pants t-Shirt they got at the dollar store. The plan was to give the teacher a bad hair do, and remove the hair from her upper lip with the duct tape before killing her(pulling it off slowly) .

Unfortunately the kids are too young to be prosecuted but are having to write 100 times each " I will not plan a murder kidnap plot during school hours". The mastermind behind the plot is also being sent to anger counseling during which she will have to watch 100 hrs of "Teletubbie" reruns. This should shut down all desire to do evil and save the world from global warming.

Rumor has it that the creators of South Park have already gotten the rights to the 3rd graders stories and will be airing an episode which recreates the plotting, but their will be a twist and Britney Spears will play the receptionist that saves the day.

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